I need friends. It’s been so long since I’ve talked to old ones that I’m worried I no longer have any.
Ask me if you want to get to know each other and just skip the awkward and have 6 hour long conversations about random shit at 2 am on skype?
I thought I looked like a sexy badass the other day so be spammed with my face.
In other news, I just met the man I love’s son for the first time today.
He showed up at the door with him out of the blue and it was adorable. I have to say, for someone who has never entertained the idea of a “family life”, I could get used to days like today happening more often.
You know what? I’m tired of people telling me how I’m suppose to live, or love, or what I’m suppose to like.
Over the past while I’ve looked at things about subject A through Z about how to go about doing this or that. Like how much emotion can I show before it’s too much? What can I wear that is sexy but not slutty? Can I love romantic comedies even though they create unrealistic standards? Can I write a novel to the man I love detailing that my goal in life is to spend the rest of it with him? Is it appropriate to take a Doctor Who episode as life advice? What music can I listen too without being forced to feel ashamed? How do you love someone without smothering them? Do I really have to set my goal in life in only my career and personal independence to the point where I’m just an average lonely middle class worker that sees life through a cubical and pay check?
How are you supposed to live?
Well, I realized that I shouldn’t fucking care.
Whatever I feel and however strongly I feel it is valid and I have the right to feel and express it, no matter what.
I have the right to wear or not wear whatever I want and be proud and comfortable to do so, no matter what.
I can love and cry and have hope given to me by cheesy romantic comedies, no matter what.
I can and have written a novel length message to the man I love telling him how he means the world to me and how spending the rest of my life with him is my dream and goal in life.
I can take whatever advice I want and ignore whatever advice I want, no matter what.
I can love Nine Inch Nails, P!nk, and Ke$ha if I want to, no matter what.
I can love someone however strongly I love them and show them as such, no matter what.
My goal and happiness in life can be to spend it with the person I love rather then through my career and personal independence, or reversed and I can be loud and proud about it, no matter what.
I have the right to live my life the way that makes me happiest without any shame what so ever.
My name is Dean. I am emotional and proud. I can wear a thong and no bra because I am sexy as fuck or a sweater and sweat pants because I want to be comfy. I fucking love watching rom coms that make me swoon at the thought of love. I love the music I fucking love. If I love someone, I want to spend time with them as often as possible. My goal in life and dream of reaching happiness is achieved through spending it with the man I love and I will work as hard as I can to accomplish this and I will not be ashamed.
This is my life. So I should stop listening to what other people think my goals and happiness should depend on and instead realize what my goals are without shutting them down because others say it’s “Not right” or “Not healthy” or “Unrealistic”.
I bought the best outfit ever and yes, I want to show all of you so enjoy selfies.
I need a place to wear this.
There was a work by Marina Abramovic and Ulay in 1977. It was titled “Death Self”, a performance where both artists were sealed together by the mouth. They managed to sit together for over seventeen minutes, breathing air from each other’s mouths until they passed the point of the amount of carbon dioxide their bodies could handle and lost consciousness.
It was a piece that greatly resembled humankind’s habit of relying on another person and creating their ‘entire world’ out of being with this single being, making it so they had to metaphorically use that person to breath, to live. But in the end, the artists themselves could only hold for so long.
Being so, it truly brings forth the ideal as something both compulsory and terrifying.
Humans rely so much on company, on sharing ideals and social interaction with others. Even in writing this, I am expressing my own natural instinct to go out and touch others’ minds to seek this fulfillment embedded in my biology and sociology. In essence, I am seeking to be sealed to the mouth of society, and more importantly, my reader, to ‘breath air’.
Yet this need can be implied on a more personal level of romantic interest. Many men and women venture out in the world to find a mate, one they can provide for, love, and be loved by. This instinct paired with sexual desires and possible reproductive needs drives us so strongly that very few individuals can avoid fulfilling it. Society also plays its part. Some of the most popular forms of media involve romance of any kind and press this genre to the point of shoving it down its audiences throat, becoming unavoidable.
Our instincts in this matter are encouraged. “Seek love and be happy” is painted into our minds from biology and only enforced since birth by parents, religion, social media, governments, and sexual drive.
It’s compulsory yet at the same time it is as if we are handed a rope and told to hang ourselves, with a smile.
It’s been a while since I’ve updated on here and also since I’ve talked to many of my friends on here. I thought that maybe I should give an update on everything.
First off, I recently turned 20, so yay for me. My lover of nearly 11 months is getting to see his son this weekend for his 28th birthday and I know that means the world to him so I’m glad about that.
But not everything has been good this past while that I have been gone. My second oldest sister who was looking forward to having a baby girl had a miscarriage and then a blood infection following soon after that. She managed to overcome the infection and is now out of the hospital, but she’s going through a large amount of postpartum depression.
Then a few days ago, I learned that my other sister, the one closest to my age, has a tumor in the bone of her skull which may or may not be cancerous, they haven’t ruled it out just yet. She’s getting a CT scan that will give my family more answers by tomorrow or so.
My oldest sister has been pestering me about my high blood pressure lately as well, but to be fair, I have been under a large amount of stress from my abnormal love life and the recent events concerning my other sisters. Having pre-hypertension blood pressure levels has to be normal at that point…
So yeah, a lot of bad happening around me lately. *sigh* If anyone wants to talk to me or cheer me up, etc, my skype is dean.suckling if you want to hit me up on there.
That moment when you’re suppose to be miffed at someone but then HOLY JESUS, DO HUMANS GO INTO SEXUAL HEATS?! SOMEONE FUCK ME. HOLY FUCK. BODY, WHY MUST YOU DO THIS NOW?
For those that know me, I have a memory of a goldfish. Probably worse then a goldfish, actually.
So I thought that it would be good for me to write down what I do remember with Lucifer. He’s probably one of the first people that actually remember everything from the small details to the larger big pictures with and a ton of people I know in real life would tell you that is different for me.